I have sat down to write a few times over the last month - there have been a few changes for me, the largest being that I am flying solo again. Truth be told, I have been flying solo informally for a while, but the reality of it being formal was callous and disrespectful, and frankly, beneath him. So a friendship is undone.
In the midst of this, I have been told a great many things by friends and family in order to get through breaking the habit of being with someone. I am appreciative and glad for all of their love and support. It has been another growing experience of 2016 - which has been a BIG growing year! I have reconnected with old friends and found that I have new friends, that in trying to fit into a place where I wasn't welcome, I hadn't realised I had made.
The impulse to write this was brought on by someone I respect and admire telling me I was special, very special. This was not unusual for him to do - each time I have seen him this year, I have overcome another hurdle and am moving in the right direction. 2016 has truly thrown some spectacular shit at me so far. Come to think of it, as I predicted with the deaths of David Bowie and Alan Rickman within days of each other in January 2016 was going to be one of those years. So far, it has held up its end of the bargain!! ;-)
So.. back to my train of thought. The word 'special' makes me pause for thought. It is a word like 'interesting'. It can be used in a way that means that people don't want to tell you that they are indifferent, or too scared to tell you they don't really like something. Don't rush to any conclusions - I do not disbelieve this person. But his comments made me think about the word, and how I react to it. I kind of brushed it off. (I am not good with a compliment at the best of times - must work on that more!) I said something I say to my patients when they tell me the same "I have my moments!" Because I believe everyone has their moments to be all manner of the spectrum of good and bad human behaviour, because, well.. they are human!
So, this time, it struck a nerve. Not in a bad way, just that I have been considering myself in the grander scheme of things. I have recently spent some time away, kind of a self-imposed retreat to regroup. (I really have to blog about that trip on my Taswegia blog... soon!) In that examination of my lack of interest in conforming to the norm, I discovered that I fall into the INTJ personality in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. These kind of things can be a bit like IQ tests and astrology - it is a matter of belief. Maybe you believe, maybe you don't. But for me, right now, this description has me covered, and makes me feel less isolated from "normal". You can Google descriptions of the personality types, but this was the description from the site I used INTJ - The Architect.
For now, I am going to stop. There is a fair bit of information there - and I need to think about what I want to say next. For me, writing is cathartic and a way to make sense of the jumble in my head. And sometimes, I like to share it with people, mostly people I know. 2016 has really been a year when I am learning about me - corny, I know.. but like I said, a growth year. I have been referred to a specialist in mindfulness - it is a common technique bandied about in nursing circles in order to cope with the things that nurses have to cope with. Until now (and maybe still..:-P) I haven't really had the patience for it - bring on this next adventure.
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